


Trigger Warning

by Thatmalu



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Circa 2010s, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, First Kiss, Frottage, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Healing, Human Pennywise (IT), Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mentioned Losers Club (IT), POV Eddie Kaspbrak, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Graduation, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25137874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatmalu/pseuds/Thatmalu
Summary: Richie was giving him that look, the one where his lips curled just ever so delicately in the corners to form the softest of smiles while his eyes bore into Eddie like he was the only thing in Richie’s world that meant a damn.But Eddie had to ruin it by waiting until after.———————————Eddie wonders if it was just bad timing to reveal his feelings for Richie only moments after sharing his darkest and most traumatic secret.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 88





	Trigger Warning

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of two dabbles I have been working on since finishing a fic. This one is a modern AU featuring 18-year-old post-graduation Eddie and Richie. The other will be a post Chapter 2 Fix-It in which they are the ages and in the year the recent movie took place (Will not involve non-con elements, but still dealing with trauma nonetheless).
> 
> This fic will not be explicit and will not have a non-con scene, but it is told from the point of view of someone who experienced CSA. That being said, don't read if you may be triggered. This was mainly written based on either my personal experiences or those confided in me by close friends, and everyone experiences trauma differently, so it may not be your thing to read.
> 
> It will explore thought processes regarding what happened to Eddie after the assault of Robert Gray and his growing sexual desires.
> 
> And of course... Eddie and Richie are in wuve <3<3

“I think I’m in love with you.”

God, what a _stupid_ fucking thing to say.

There had probably been a million opportunities and times to tell Richie how he felt about him. Eddie had imagined the scenario at least a million and one. The many times they had been alone together in their bedrooms, in their clubhouse, walking home from school or detention (which was usually from some stupid thing Richie convinced Eddie to go along with), and Eddie had to pick _then_ of all times.

The moment itself may not have been so bad. They were snuggled close in Eddie’s small bed, partially because they usually had no choice while lying on the twin mattress, and partially because Eddie had been quietly divulging secrets to him in soft whispers during the night. His window was slightly open, letting in a whistling summer night breeze that brushed the curtains against the window blinds and calmly mixing in with the sounds of crickets to fill Eddie’s dark bedroom. Richie was giving him _that look_ , the one where his lips curled just ever so delicately in the corners to form the softest of smiles while his eyes bore into Eddie like he was the only thing in Richie’s world that meant a damn.

But Eddie had to ruin it by waiting until _after_.

After Eddie told Richie his worst and most haunting secret. Richie had probably suspected, just like all the others. How could he not? Hell, everyone in town _suspected_ , if not damn right knew. Only Beverly had been the one Eddie felt comfortable enough to tell prior to Richie, and it was only because Beverly had shared her secret first.

“Are you ever going to speak to your dad again?” Eddie had asked her softly after they both had shared their darkness to each other, hazy clouds of marijuana smoke lingering between them long after Bev’s bowl was ashed.

“No,” she said quite firmly, taking a drag of a cigarette and blowing the smoke out her bedroom window, as if her room wasn’t already in fog. “I forgave him a long time ago. But I did that for my own sake. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing that.”

Eddie leaned his head against the window frame, feeling awe towards Beverly mixing with shame at his own self. “Do you think I should… forgive… _him_?”

Beverly turned and looked at him thoughtfully, lifting her lithe arm to gently place her hand under his chin so she could better see his eyes. Besides Richie, Beverly was Eddie’s favorite person to look at simply because of the way she looked at the people she loved. Somehow her cool green eyes always managed to burn with fire, radiating warmth like the sun with both love and fierceness. She seemed to be searching for something in his eyes as she spoke.

“That’s up to you, Eddie. You’re the only one who has a say in how you should feel. No one else gets to decide that.”

And still, Eddie wasn’t sure exactly how to feel. Deep down, he probably would never have it in him to forgive what Robert Gray had done. Mostly, he was just happy he had made it out alive; not all the other kids did. Eddie kept his feelings so compartmentalized in the deep recesses of his mind that the thoughts could only intrude him in small fragments. They were painful nonetheless. The way he’d seize up if someone grabbed him too suddenly. His eyes would still water if he smelled wet wood or could taste dirt and grime on his tongue, remembering his face pressed into the floorboards while the man’s fingers were shoved into his mouth. If he heard anyone laugh the way _he_ laughed when he had his hands on Eddie… it was just too much.

Eddie couldn’t even go to McDonald’s anymore; not with that Ronald McDonald son of a bitch smiling creepily from the entrance lobby bench. How do you explain to people that you’re crying because parents are taking pictures of their children sitting on the lap of a porcelain clown?

After all these years since it had happened and with their impending move, Eddie thought it was about time he told Richie all the things he had been keeping from him. Because Richie was still one of, if not _the_ best friend Eddie had, and in less than a month they would be packing their bags in Richie’s Daewoo and settling in _their_ home. Richie had the right to decide whether or not he wanted to really live with someone who thought about him like _that_. Because it would suck to find out any other way that your roommate might be staring hungrily at your bare chest after you’ve stumbled out of the shower, wanting to ravage it with his finger nails.

Richie may have been the Trashmouth, but Eddie’s mouth never seemed to shut the fuck up once he got going. So instead of breaking down his secrets one bit at a time, Eddie word vomited them all in one long ramble this night until he looked over and saw Richie staring at him with a look of pure apprehension that Eddie had never seen on his face before. He knew he had fucked up, even before Richie quietly excused himself to go home at three in the goddamn morning and eat breakfast at his own house, just in case Sonia woke up early enough to catch him there uninvited, leaving Eddie feeling crushed and broken.

It was almost seven now as Eddie cursed the sun for bursting light back into his room through the blinds. He didn’t want to be reminded that he didn’t sleep since Richie left, that he had spent the time trying to watch DIY car modification videos on YouTube while pacing his room, or that Richie was probably making breakfast with Maggie and trying not to think about his stupid little gay friend being in love with him. What would he have done in these few hours after leaving Eddie’s place? Play his PS4? Binge something distracting on Netflix? Or something else? Would he be trying to figure out how to tackle this huge issue between the two of them?

“If you’ve ever asked yourself a question, Eds, someone on reddit has answered it already. Mark my words.”

Yeah, he could have gone on reddit. _My best friend just basically told me he wanted to suck my dick after telling me he was raped?? Help??_

Or maybe he would’ve just searched for something. Maybe Eddie could find something useful on there.

He had never bothered to make an account on reddit, or download the app for that matter. Richie always groaned when Eddie searched for it on his Safari, complaining that Eddie should just download the damn thing since he was using it so much.

“I only look at it when you’re pestering me about something, Rich.”

Someone had probably answered his question already; he just had to figure out what that question was first. Because Eddie wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking for answers for. So he went to the search bar and typed ‘reddit’ and took a deep breath before typing, like many times before, variations of ‘childhood rape survivor’ or ‘sexual assault.’ He was sure there was an answer out there somewhere for the question he didn’t know.

Plenty of pages popped up, which didn’t surprise him. It was sickening how common this sort of thing appeared to be. With as many triggers as Eddie had, one would think he hadn’t spent hours and hours on many nights looking into sick true crime stories and researching serial offenders on the internet. But Eddie’s anxiety seemed to somehow be sedated with curiosity as he read stories similar to his own, and even more so when he read, in his opinion, far worse stories of what people had survived… or didn’t survive. His thoughts snowballed as he went down rabbit holes of information on the internet, reading about people like David Parker Ray or the Tool Box Killers, absorbing as much as possible as his brain hummed with anticipation of a panic attack from all the upsetting anecdotes. But the more he read, the less they seemed to come. He questioned why this was, but never really felt the need to find an answer.

Familiar posts appeared upon Eddie’s first search, questions that Eddie had asked himself time and time again.

_How do I move on?_

_Can I ever be in a normal relationship?_

_How do I tell my parents?_

_Why do I watch rape-play porn after my SA??_

That last one was something Eddie had shamefully thought about in the privacy of his room. It was difficult enough to jerk off after years of your mom and her church demonizing gays, let alone after experiencing such a traumatic and violent sexual act. But to actively search and watch videos of those kind of things happening and to get turned on by them? There was probably something deeply wrong with that. He had brought this up with Beverly, too, but she assured him that it was fine. “Normal.” She told him she liked rough sex because it replayed the horrible things he had gone through, but gave her complete control and satisfaction. Annoyed a bit that he would have those images of her and Ben, he let her show him a site that gave pre and post interviews of actors with safe words so that Eddie would have the comfort in the back of his mind that what he was watching was totally consensual, the people involved were very happy, and it was totally ok for him to watch. He just had to try not to think about it after.

Eddie fiddled with the words in the search engine to try to get more specific until his eyes landed on something that caught his attention.

_I told my girlfriend that I was molested as a child. Now she thinks I’m only with her because I’m traumatized by men and not a real lesbian._

For a moment, Eddie was torn between rolling his eyes and feeling deep empathy for the girl who posted something like that. He considered himself lucky that he was able to recognize he was gay long before _the incident_ had happened.

The first thing to inspire Eddie to defy his mother’s strict orders to not participate in extreme physical activity was to impress one of the volunteer dads of the elementary soccer team. Eddie had a crush on him from the moment he saw those baby blue eyes. Every time the man spoke, Eddie plopped his little chin in the palms of his hands and watched his jaw muscles move, loving the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, how silly the older man was, and how the lines of his cheeks would lengthen as he smiled and praised Eddie for kicking a ball into the goal.

At first, Eddie had gravitated to the man because it was the first summer after Eddie’s father passed away, and he was a six year old boy with no one else to talk to but his mother and the stuttering kid from his class. Eddie felt proud of himself for sticking with the sport most of the summer until his mother found out and stomped down to the field, screaming at the other parents for _doing this_ to her poor, asthmatic child. He cried and cried thinking about how he’d have to be home after school every day now once summer ended, until the volunteer dad Eddie liked saw him sitting on the side of the field watching his friend Bill, running over to offer some comfort.

“You know my son absolutely hates sports,” he had said to Eddie. “He’d rather go to the movies or play video games. He’s in the same grade as you. I think he might even be in your class this year. Maybe you can keep him company after school while I’m coaching his sister and the other kids.”

Eddie sniffed loudly, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. “What’s his name?”

“Richie. You might recognize him as the skinny kid with glasses that talks to himself on the playground with funny voices.”

Yeah, Eddie knew that kid. People thought he was weird, but all he was trying to do was make the other kids laugh. Eddie thought he was pretty funny, but Eddie was always too shy to ever talk to him on the playground, especially when he was doing that thing where he was acting out scenes from a movie all by himself and doing all the different voices for the characters. It was pretty brave of him, Eddie thought, just doing whatever the fuck he wanted that made him happy, not seeming to care what people thought.

It took Eddie by surprise when they started the second grade and saw Richie in his class and he found himself dragging Bill over to the monkey bars at recess. Richie was swinging upside down and pretending to be caught in jungle vines and screaming at another kid to “Save yourself from the wolves, Diego!”

“My name is Stanley,” the unamused boy said from below him, gripping tightly to a copy of The Young Naturalists Guide for Backyard Birds. “Wolves don’t live in the jungle, dummy!”

It only took Eddie a month to realize he had a full-blown crush on this kid. Like father, like son, he supposed. Maybe he just had a thing for funny guys in glasses.

But Richie didn’t know about any of these things. And it was now, as Eddie read the post again, that Eddie’s stomach dropped like hot, heavy lead. Because it was suddenly dawning on Eddie what Richie might be thinking.

_There’s something wrong with him_.

“No no no no no,” Eddie muttered, throwing his phone down onto the bed and grabbing the sides of his head. What if it was true? What if Richie heard what Eddie had told him, put the two things together and thought, “Wow. This kid is so fucked up from getting molested that he thinks he’s gay or something.”

Someone had said that to Eddie before. Shortly after _it_ had happened, a member of his mom’s church had come over to where Eddie and Richie were in the park. They were just laying there in the grass, looking up at the sky, while Richie went on about a movie he wanted to write. Eddie rested his head on Richie’s chest, laying together like a cross in the grass, turning his head ever so slightly so he could listen to Richie’s rapid heartbeat as he excitably told Eddie all the jokes he wanted to write down and hoped that Judd Apatow was still making movies when they were grown up.

The man from church pulled Eddie aside, placing a hand on his shoulder and leaned down closely so only Eddie could hear him.

“Just be careful with the way you hang around other boys, son.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked innocently.

The man smiled sadly and spoke as if he had some sort of wise understanding of what Eddie had gone through. “I know you must be confused after what happened, Edward. Don’t let anything that man said or did to you stray you from the Lord. Boys shouldn’t be like that with each other. What that man did to you was wrong, and it would be just as wrong for you to do it with boys your own age. I know being thirteen is a confusing time for you. But if you’re feeling any kind of way like that, or want to do those things with other boys, just remember you have a whole community of people to talk to, especially Father Mason. They’ll steer you to the right path again.”

“With all due respect, mister,” Eddie said loudly, looking the man straight in the eyes. “You can go fuck yourself.”

Sure, Eddie received a slap in the face from his mother the moment he got home, but it was worth it to see the grin on Richie’s face when he overheard what Eddie said. No context was even needed, and Eddie was happy Richie never asked what the man even said to him.

Soon enough his mother started to get the same idea. She fretted over Eddie’s behaviors and closeness with his male friends. On more than one occasion, she openly voiced her worry that Eddie would grow up to be _like that_. As if being gay were just a hop, skip, and a jump away from being like the pedophile that touched her child.

It wasn’t just her ignorance that put a cold pit of anxiety and despair in Eddie’s chest. All of his years in therapy, on medication, pulling him out of his therapy and into church counseling, all of his night terrors, all of his triggers, his crying, and his bursts of anger… she truly believed that Eddie turning out to be gay would really be the worst consequence of his assault. As long as he assured her he was straight, all of his other problems didn’t seem to bother her so much.

Eddie wanted to hope that Richie would never have that line of thinking. But Eddie had _just_ confessed to him what Robert Gray had done moments before revealing his feelings for Richie. What a stupid fucking thing to do, Eddie.

“I’m fucked,” Eddie said quietly to himself. “I am so fucking shit fucked.”

He picked up his phone again, desperately trying to find something to change his mind. He started adding things like ‘best friend’ and ‘I’m in love with’ and other nonsensical things in the search engine, but nothing brought up anything useful. Eventually, he decided to just open the damn website and scroll through until he found r/rape. It was dangerous, triggering territory, but he had been on it plenty of times and decided he was probably damaged enough and wouldn’t find anything more heinous on here that he hadn’t read about already. Plus, he was in the rabbit hole now. His brain was humming in the familiar way it did when he went through these phases of curiosity, like it was numbing itself in preparation for what he was about to read.

But nothing could have prepared him for a post that had been put there two hours ago from the username _throwawaytrashmouth_. Eddie’s heart somersaulted in his chest at the sight before slowly reading over what the user had wrote.

_Advice needed: Best friend/love of my life just told me he was a r*pe survivor_.

Eddie dissected this sentence at least ten times before he finally clicked on the post to read the rest. His heart was going so berserk that his pulse was pounding in his ears. He placed his phone down on the bed and leaned over to read, feeling his hands shaking too badly to hold it steady enough.

_I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I (18M) have been in love with my best friend (18M) for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt like it was pretty obvious that I liked him_ (Eddie groaned) _so when he never really flirted back_ (“I have been, you fucking idiot!”) _I just figured he kindly tolerated me and never liked me the same way. But just a bit ago he drops the bomb on me that’s he is, in fact, very gay and very much likes me. But he also confided with me that when we were younger he was raped by someone in our town that we found out was a child molester. I won’t go into details, but a lot of us kids from back then have had creepy alone moments with this guy, so it wasn’t surprising. But now I’m sitting here thinking about how all creepy and weird I’ve been over the last 12 years or so, like super touchy and invasive with him. So yes, he says he likes me but I’m a huge asshole and I don’t want to fuck this up. I ran off after he told me (yes im stupid you don’t have to remind me) because I was too afraid I’d say something that would upset him. We just graduated and are moving into an apartment together and I’m so scared of hurting him. I just want him to feel safe. I want him to know his consent matters. I’ll vow to never have sex for as long as I live if it means he’ll be happy. I’d literally do anything for him. Even if he doesn’t want to be together after I fucked up, I still want to be a better friend. How can I show him that without being pushy about it?_

_Tl;dr I’m a fucking idiot who wants to make my potential boyfriend feel as happy as possible if he’s dumb enough to still like me in the morning_

It felt for a moment that Eddie was living on some unworldly plane of existence. Surely, he had actually fallen asleep and was now dreaming. This couldn’t be real. This was just too wonderful and perfect and wholesome and everything Eddie’s life just _wasn’t_.

But the writing never went away or changed as Eddie kept refreshing the page. There it was: Richie’s feelings for Eddie reciprocated all this time. Eddie wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry or a little bit of both, because Richie _loved_ him, but Richie was so utterly terrified of hurting Eddie. He was not going to wait around for Richie to get replies back on reddit to settle this shit.

Eddie picked up his phone, took a deep breath, and texted Richie.

**Eddie:** _Hi. I’m coming over now so be decent. Or don’t, I don’t care._

Before he could think about it any further, Eddie jumped out of bed, stumbling several times over his pants as he tried to get them on. He cursed under his breath, hoping his mother would not hear him sneaking out before she woke up.

One of the things Sonia hated most about Eddie’s defiance was his running. As a mother, one would think she would encourage her son to exercise and stay healthy, especially considering she was so out of shape herself. But anytime Eddie took off in the morning for an early jog or put on his running shoes before school because he had a free period that day and wanted to use the track, Sonia threw a verbal fit. Every morning she did so, he let it wash over him until he felt he breeze in his hair and the power in his legs when he finally took off.

He was running now towards Richie’s house, a little odd looking for sure in his jogging shoes and pajama pants, but it allowed him to feel free and relaxed. All that went through his mind as he pounded the pavement and felt his cell phone bouncing along in his loose pants pocket was that _Richie loves me!_

Eddie had probably been very stupid to not realize it so clearly. But after all, Richie just had a natural flirty personality. But shit, he really _was_ more handsy with Eddie than their other friends. He didn’t call anyone of them cute or snuggle them or play with their hands and hair like he did with Eddie. But his consistent flirty nature just threw Eddie off from ever thinking he had such strong feelings for him.

The only reason Eddie never really felt jealous was _because_ Richie was like that with just about everyone. Eddie found it endearing when he’d wink up at the waitress at the diner for bringing him extra bacon, or leaned seductively towards whatever cashier he was telling a joke to in the store. Richie had always been charming with their teachers and classmates, even the ones that openly hated them and the rest of the Loser’s. Richie was just never one for malice or intentional cruelty and Eddie wished he could show the same restraint towards people. Teachers may have said otherwise, but Richie was a brilliant role model for kindness.

As he turned the corner to the Tozier’s house, Eddie slowed down as he saw Maggie outside tending to her hydrangea’s and daisy’s. It was quite early still, but Wentworth had probably already gone to work, his Volvo already missing from the driveway. Richie was likely inside by himself, since his sister had gone to volunteer for Camp Sunshine for the summer.

“Hi, Maggie!” Eddie called politely, slowing to a stop in the walkway.

“Good morning, Eddie!” Maggie called cheerfully, wiping her brow. “What are you doing over so early?”

“Oh, uh, just thought I’d get out before my mom got up,” said Eddie, smiling kindly at her.

“Understandable,” Maggie sighed. “Well, I don’t know if Richie’s up yet, but you’re welcome to go inside. Help yourself. Let me know if you want me to make you anything to eat, honey.”

“Thanks, Mags!”

Eddie kicked his sneakers off at the door and practically flew up the stairs when he got inside. He slipped on his socks at the top step, skidding past Richie’s room before steadying himself. Richie’s door was closed, as it always was when he was home, usually out of respect so that his parents didn’t hear him cursing at whatever video game he was dying in.

Still feeling brave, Eddie took a deep breath before grabbing the doorknob, ready to burst in. Except, the door was locked and all Eddie did was slam his entire body into the wood with all his strength and fall back on his ass in surprise.

“For fucks sake, Ma, what are you doing?” came Richie’s voice through the door.

The lock clicked and the door swung open and Richie’s eyes grew wide as he looked down at Eddie sheepishly rubbing his face on the floor. He was wearing different pajamas than when he had left Eddie’s house and appeared to have showered, too. Eddie couldn’t help but give him a big, dopey grin from the carpet.

“Hi,” he said stupidly.

“Hi,” Richie said breathily, almost in awe that Eddie was there. “What are you doing?”

“I texted you.”

“Oh. Uh, I think my phone is dead. Are you ok?”

“I’m great,” Eddie sighed happily. “It’s also morning and, uh… I’m still dumb enough to like you… if you’d like to talk more about that.”

Richie looked confused for a brief second before the realization hit, a small blush forming on his pale cheeks. “Oh, shit. I didn’t mean – I didn’t realize – ”

“Can you shut the fuck up and help me off of the floor?”

“Oh – yup, sorry,” Richie muttered, reaching down for Eddie to grab his arms.

Still all giddy and love struck and a bit silly from hitting his head on Richie’s door, Eddie couldn’t help but allow himself to stumble lazily into Richie’s arms when he finally stood up, gripping Richie’s waist tight and looking up at him with the most serene expression.

“Hi,” he said again, sounding maddeningly dreamy and stupid.

“Hi,” Richie laughed. Eddie felt his heart beating heavy in his chest. “We should – uh – can we maybe not be in the hallway?”

“Sure,” Eddie agreed, loosening his grip around Richie and letting the other boy take his hand to guide him into the bedroom.

The bedroom, as always, was a disastrous mess of clothes and books and cases for video games and movies. For someone as disorganized as Richie, one would think he’d just stick with downloading digital content, but he was always one for collecting things for the aesthetics. Eddie figured it wouldn’t be so bad when they were living together, because Eddie would be able to tidy up after him, and Eddie was in no place to cook a decent meal on his own. So he didn’t mind the idea of cleaning too much since he’d have to rely on Richie to keep them from starving.

At least the bed was clean. That was very important.

“Did you read… all of it?” Richie asked quietly as he closed the door behind him.

Eddie sat down at the edge of Richie’s bed. “I hope that’s ok.”

Richie seemed to have a hard time looking at him, shuffling his feet around on the floor as he leaned back against the door. “I didn’t expect you to look at that stuff. Some of the posts on the subreddit were so… descriptive.”

“I’m on there quite a bit,” Eddie admitted, trying to keep his eyes on Richie. “It helps when I’m… thinking about it.”

“Do you think about it a lot?” Richie asked quietly.

“Pretty much all the time,” said Eddie. “But that doesn’t mean – like, it doesn’t get in the way of things anymore, not like it used to. Can you come here?” he asked, patting the space on the bed beside him.

He wasn’t quite used to the timid and shy Richie that came over and sat next to him, but at least he sat close enough that Eddie could feel the heat of his skin between the fabrics of their flannel pants.

“I’m kind of an asshole, aren’t I?” Richie asked with a hollow laugh. “I mean, I’m just now realizing how handsy I’ve been with you without really knowing if you were ok with it.”

“You don’t have to be afraid of hurting me, Rich,” Eddie said quietly, shifting his weight so his body was leaning up against Richie. “Trust me when I say I’ve loved every way you’ve ever touched me. Or… could touch me,” he added, sneaking his hand over to start brushing the back of Richie’s that was resting on his leg. He felt Richie take a deep, shaky breath next to him and he looked up to see Richie finally looking at him again.

“I’ve liked you so much for so long,” Richie said softly. “I know I should’ve talked to you about it. But you’ve always been so honest and straightforward about everything with everyone that I figured if you really felt that same way you would’ve… I guess I figured you would’ve told me.”

“Do you not remember who my mom is?”

Richie shrugged. “You’ve told her to fuck off before.”

“I couldn’t about this,” Eddie explained. “She’s hinted enough over the years that she’d short of kill me if I was… I just wanted to wait until I was out of the house. I’ve been scared she’d send me away. I wanted to wait until I was somewhere safe.”

“So why are you telling me now? Why not wait until we’re in New York?”

“Because I should’ve told you a long time ago,” said Eddie, squeezing Richie’s hand. “You’re my safe space.”

He watched Richie’s pupils dilate as they stared at each other; his own chest fluttered at the sight of it.

“I shouldn’t have run off after you told me.”

“No. Don’t ever do it again.”

“I just… I have no idea what I’m supposed to – ”

Eddie covered Richie’s mouth with his hand. “I promise, Richie, I will tell you if I’m uncomfortable or upset. The best thing you can do for me is try not to see me like some delicate thing that’s going to break if you hold me too tight. I already have my mom for that.”

He lowered his hand and Richie smiled gently at him. “Eddie my love, you are far from delicate.”

“So don’t treat me like it,” Eddie said firmly. “Can you pretend just for a moment that all of that stuff I told you never happened?”

Richie nodded so slightly that Eddie would’ve missed it had he not been staring at Richie so intently. He sank his cheek into the palm of Richie’s hand when he felt Richie’s fingers against his skin, allowing his head to tilt just ever so slightly, his eyes lingering on Richie’s lips, hoping Richie got the hint…

Two years earlier, Eddie had his first kiss with another student he was tutoring; a boy just a year below him in school named Oliver. He was pretty cute and funny, but Eddie had no idea Oliver had any interest in him like _that_ , and was so startled when Oliver leaned across the desk to kiss him that Eddie smacked him in the face. They both uttered apologies to each other, and Eddie even offered to let him do it again, but Oliver went and told his mom he thought he had gotten enough out of a tutor to get his grades up. It was embarrassing and awkward, as these things probably were for many kids.

Weirder still was the kiss he shared with Bill in Bangor, after they were dared to by a girl Bill had been crushing on from his community theater. Eddie hadn’t minded it so much, but it was just strange to kiss someone you knew had no interest in kissing you back, especially when neither of you were really that good at it to begin with. Eddie struggled to kiss as best as he could, and Bill was just… struggling. At least Bill got to make out with the girl later, so Eddie supposed it was worth it.

But this here with Richie – this was perfect.

There was just the slightest hesitation as his lips brushed against Eddie’s, so Eddie pushed himself up and grabbed Richie’s collar to kiss him back more firmly. He felt the cold frames of Richie’s glasses on the bridge of his own nose, making him giggle a little bit against Richie’s skin. He took advantage of the parting of his own lips and snuck his tongue out to trace it gently on Richie’s bottom lip to encourage him to open his mouth to him. The second their tongues touched, Eddie seemed to lose control of basic human decency, throwing all of his limbs around Richie’s and dragging him down onto the bed on top of him.

The realization that they were both in _very thin_ pajamas was immediate, because Eddie felt a moan escape the back of his throat as he felt Richie’s erection press into his own. Richie pulled back with a small _pop!_ and looked down at Eddie apologetically and rosy-cheeked.

“Sorry!” he whispered, about to move off of him, but Eddie kept a firm grip on Richie’s hip so he wouldn’t pull away.

“Don’t,” Eddie said back softly, his voice deeper than he had ever heard it before. “I like it.”

Richie relaxed a little bit, but the arm that was holding his body up above Eddie was shaking slightly. “Are you sure?”

“No one is in your house right now,” Eddie reminded him. “Don’t you want to fool around with me?”

“God, you have no idea,” Richie chuckled. “But… what do you want to do?”

“I want you to do whatever the fuck you want to me.”

Richie gulped loudly. “Are you sure?”

Eddie nodded fervently. “I love you. I trust you. I _want_ you.”

A noise akin to a growl came out of Richie’s throat. “I love you so fucking much.”

Another moan escaped him when Richie clashed his lips into his again, and Eddie felt one of his hands gravitate towards the back of Richie’s head, clutching into his soft hair tightly. They grinded against each other while Richie began nipping at his chin, making his way down towards the supple skin of Eddie’s neck. Eddie felt himself sigh in ecstasy like he had read people do in the romance novels he’d stolen off of his mom’s nightstand over the years. He felt Richie’s teeth graze his earlobe and a shiver actually erupted down his spine when Richie whispered, “You are so fucking sexy.”

All the times Richie had called him cute or adorable were great and all, but _that_ might be Eddie’s new favorite thing. Because no one had ever called him sexy before, and he sure as hell felt it by the way Richie was touching him and looking at him.

“I want to go down on you,” Richie panted, thumbing Eddie’s bottom lip. “Is that ok?”

“Is that – are you fucking serious? Why the fuck would I say no to that?”

Richie’s face broke out in a wide grin. “Just want to make sure. I’ve never done it before, so no guarantee of fireworks or anything.”

Cold air brushed his skin as Richie hiked Eddie’s shirt up, goosebumps rippling up his torso and sure enough making even his nipples hard. Richie kissed down his chest and he paused at Eddie’s stomach, which had tensed up tightly.

Because as hard as Eddie tried to file away all those awful, horrible thoughts, they were never so compartmentalized enough to not make their way out when he didn’t want them to. Once Richie placed a hand on his thigh, Eddie’s brain immediately placed him back into that dark place he had been many years ago, and automatically wanted to reject that feeling of another man’s hands on him.

“Stop,” Eddie warned, feeling his blood go cold.

Richie immediately lifted himself up, cupping Eddie’s cheek in his palm. “I’m right here. You’re ok. We don’t have to – ”

“Stay up here,” Eddie asked softly. “I want you to touch me, but I – I need you up here. I need you to talk me through it.”

“Anything you need, Eds,” Richie assured him, leaning down to kiss him again.

Eddie squeezed Richie tight against him, trying to breathe in the scent of his shampoo and faded cologne that clung to his shirt, willing his eyes to stay dry and remind himself who it was on top of him. One of his hands firmly held the side of Richie’s face to feel his glasses there while he helped Richie shimmy them both out of their pants.

“What do you want me to do?” Richie’s warm breath ghosted Eddie’s lips.

Many nights were spent with Eddie fingering himself and trying to snuff down the memories of someone else touching him like that. Part of him wanted Richie to do it, but the thought of feeling another person like that made Eddie’s throat dry. The only other person that had snuck his fingers there had been – had been –

As much as he wanted to, he wasn’t sure if he was ready yet.

“You can – I mean – can you jerk me off?” he asked almost innocently.

“Fuck yes,” Richie chuckled, planting soft kisses along Eddie’s jaw. “Now that’s something I can do pretty damn well.”

Eddie felt Richie’s large hand on his hip, his finger tips grazing the hem of his boxers, and instinctively grabbed Richie’s hand tightly to stop him.

“Wait,” Eddie gasped, trying not to dig his nails into Richie’s skin. “Just – let me – ”

After taking a deep breath, Richie looking down at him cautiously, Eddie loosened his grip on Richie’s wrist and gently guided it down to where Eddie was already threatening to bust out of the slit in his shorts. Expecting to jump or tense up again, Eddie held his own breath until he felt Richie’s hand on him – but relaxed again as it felt as if it were an extension of his own hand pulling his dick out and starting to stroke up and down the shaft, watching the tip disappear and reappear in Richie’s fist moving along his foreskin.

There was still a voice in the back of Eddie’s mind that wanted to scream or freak out, and he knew that as much as he loved and trusted Richie, he wouldn’t be able to stand being passive much longer. So he let go of Richie’s wrist entirely and reached down to tug Richie out of his own shorts, forcing him to moan above Eddie.

“Is it ok if I – ?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Richie breathed, his voice all high-pitched and airy, little moans escaping his throat while Eddie’s hand worked him.

Eddie felt himself already getting addicted to hearing Richie’s voice like this, and it definitely wasn’t in the array of various voices Richie used to make people laugh. No; this was a voice only Eddie would get to hear and he was falling in love with Richie all over again at the sound of it. Eddie felt his confidence sore and helped Richie shift his hips up more so they were aligned with his own, gently brushing Richie’s hand away so Eddie could take them both in his hand and stroke them together.

“Fuck, Eds,” Richie whined, pressing his forehead down against Eddie’s. “Fuck, that feels really good.”

And maybe he was just trying to be encouraging, or maybe it was just because it was _Eddie_ that Richie was saying that, because a handjob shouldn’t feel this damn good, but it did to Eddie, too, and he couldn’t tease him about it when Eddie was just as pathetically enraptured by the moment as Richie was.

“Rich, keep talking,” Eddie begged, holding Richie’s face with his other hand, and he really couldn’t believe he had to even ask such a thing. But feeling and hearing and seeing Richie was holding all the pieces together that were threatening to break apart.

“I love you so fucking much,” Richie sputtered, not taking his eyes off of Eddie’s; his pupils were entirely blown out. “You are so fucking gorgeous and amazing and everything I’ve ever wanted – _fuck_ – I can’t wait to live with you. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.”

“What do you wanna do to me?” Eddie egged on, feeling the corners of his mouth tug into a smile as his breath became more ragged as he dragged his fingers through Richie’s hair.

“I wanna put my hands all over you,” he went on, letting the hand that wasn’t holding him up over Eddie roughly trace up Eddie’s still-exposed torso, sending waves of heat through Eddie’s skin. “Every day I wanna tear your stupid runners shorts off and bury my head between your legs and – fuck – sorry – ”

“Keep going,” Eddie encouraged, giving their cocks a good squeeze as he picked up his pace. “I wanna hear you tell me. I want to know what you think about when you’re touching yourself. Please, Richie – ” _Please replace the awful voice in my head with yours._

Something came over Richie’s face, and he must have thought about the things Eddie told him in secret just hours before; about Eddie being scared no one would want him like if they knew what had happened; about Eddie being told he was ruined for anyone else that would ever want to touch him. And Richie knew better than to let Eddie go on thinking that.

“Sometimes – sometimes I buy you ice cream so I can imagine you licking my dick like that. I wanna feel how warm your mouth is. I think about – _ah_ – I think about how good your lips would look sucking up and down my cock.”

And that made Eddie kind of giggle, blending in with his moans and coming out all high-pitched and whiny, encouraging Richie to keep going.

“Fuck, I love your fucking body. Every time you run I get stiff and wish I could just grab you and shove you on the ground – wrap your fucking legs around me – ”

He paused, shades of concern on his face, but Eddie wanted more of it. He shifted, lifting his legs up around Richie’s hips as he continued to jerk them off. Richie grinned back at him, tilting his head to keep kissing his jaw and nibble at Eddie’s neck, his breath sending shivers through Eddie with each exhale.

“I wanna feel you from the inside. I wanna feel you coming on my cock.”

Ok. Eddie was ready.

“Rich – make me come. I want you to make me come.”

Richie immediately lifted his head, moving his arm to maybe try and take over for Eddie, still sliding his smaller hand over the tips of their shafts. But Eddie shook his head fervently.

“No – no, inside me. I want to feel you inside me.”

“Eds – ”

“ _Please_ ,” Eddie practically cried, starting to feel desperate to come, desperate to know what Richie would feel like.

He looked up at Richie, who looked torn between longing and being terrified, a contemplative look on his face as if he was having an internal struggle. Finally –

“Only my fingers, ok? Is that ok?”

Eddie nodded enthusiastically, but Richie shook his head.

“You gotta tell me. You have to say it. I wanna know you want to – ”

“Yes – please – fuck, Richie – please – hmmph!”

Eddie didn’t have to beg anymore, and Richie’s tongue was tracing the inside of his mouth, sloppy and wet, licking into him like he was trying to taste every bit of Eddie he could. Eddie gasped when he felt his body lift from the bed, and suddenly he was rolled on top of Richie on the other side of the bed where the pillows and nightstand were. Richie used the new angle to easily slide Eddie’s boxers down. Eddie helped slip them off and saw Richie reach into the top drawer, shuffling around madly.

It was daunting, being completely naked now except for his shirt, on top of Richie and exposed in the morning day light breaking through the window. As small as he was, he wished he was smaller, or at least able to tuck himself away. He looked down briefly, his cock laying hard against Richie’s above Richie’s stomach, both of their hips bare and pressing together, his skin so many shades darker than Richie’s. In the corner of his eye, he saw Richie reach for his thigh before he looked and met Richie’s gaze. The fingers of his other hand looked slick.

“C’mere,” Richie growled.

Eddie scooted forward, pressing their cocks together harder. Richie took his hand on Eddie thigh to encourage him to lift his body ever so slightly, allowing his other hand to reach under where Eddie’s balls were for a much easier access and gently slide along his backside towards his hole, causing Eddie to let out a soft, “ _Ah._ ”

A quick strike of fear swept into Eddie’s chest – thinking of _him_ and those rough, dirty finger nails scraping his skin and tearing into him.

And then it was gone, replaced now by the soft, circular motions of Richie’s cautious finger tips.

Why Eddie had never used proper lube before, he didn’t know, but he sure as hell would be stocking up on it now. Richie’s fingers almost slid in smoothly, but the slightest hesitation behind his movements drove Eddie crazy. He pressed his ass down into Richie’s hand to push his fingers deeper and let out a louder moan.

“Shit, Eddie – you’re so fucking warm and tight. You feel so amazing. Your cock feels so good on mine.”

Between Richie’s finger tips rubbing against his prostate, Eddie’s hand rubbing both of their cocks while the other kept a firm grip on Richie’s shoulder, and Richie’s look of being utterly smitten with the sight before him and rambling on about what they were doing, Eddie felt so dizzy and drunk off of it all and was practically bouncing up and down on Richie’s fingers to the rhythm of both their hands in sync.

But the best part of it all – that while Eddie could actually feel tears starting to stream down his face as his body shook in electric ecstasy – was that Eddie had a smile on his face and felt pure, uninterrupted joy in sex for the first time in his life. And here was Richie, gazing at him like the most beautiful thing in the world, carrying him through it and just looking so in love and pleased with how happy _Eddie_ was, that once he saw and felt Eddie come, he followed along right with him.

The palms of Richie’s hands – one dry and one slickly wet – slid along to briefly cup Eddie’s ass, pulling him closer to lean Eddie forward to kiss him tenderly. Eddie pulled back just to look at how beautiful he was again – cheeks flushed, lips glistening, and his smile soft.

“You’re crying,” Richie whispered, wiping a tear off Eddie’s face. He didn’t sound concerned, as if he could read Eddie’s mind.

“Happy tears,” Eddie beamed at him. “Promise.”

There wasn’t anything near the bed to clean them. Richie offered to get up and fetch a towel, leaving Eddie to lie back on the mattress, grinning up at Richie’s ceiling. It didn’t take long for Richie to get anything, but just a second after he left the room, Eddie could feel everything changing.

Those tingly feelings along his skin became hot and uncomfortable, and the happy fluttering butterflies in his chest burst into dust. Suddenly, Eddie felt… empty. His brain was all fog, as if all the good things that just passed had drifted far away to a much distant past. But his tears still kept coming.

“Richie,” Eddie whispered when he entered the room.

On reflex, Richie rushed over to the bed where Eddie was, now feeling embarrassed that he was in nothing but his shirt, covered in some of their cum. But Richie had a warm, wet cloth, gently cleaning Eddie up before drying him off with another.

“Hold on,” he said, getting up to reach into his closet.

Eddie sniffled, willing his limbs not to reach out to Richie like a toddler as he came over with a large fleece blanket. He encouraged Eddie to sit up slightly, wrapping it around them both and pulling Eddie against his chest.

The scent of him was back, and Eddie tried to inhale it deeply and get lost in those good thoughts again.

“Was that a bad idea?” Richie asked, watching Eddie closely.

“No,” Eddie said truthfully. “I’m just… I don’t know. I think my body and brain are struggling to figure out why that felt so good when it – it didn’t before, last time someone else – you know. I’m sorry,” he added, guilt bubbling in his chest.

“Eddie, never be sorry,” Richie said, cupping his cheek. “You never have to apologize about how you feel. It’s ok if you want to do things like this. All I want you to do is tell me how I can help; if I can.”

“Reach your hand down to my thigh,” Eddie asked quietly.

Richie frowned in confusion, but obliged. Eddie felt his warm hand against his bare skin, slowly moving up and down Eddie’s hip and upper leg.

“I think,” Eddie started slowly. “It’s helping already. It just might take a while.”

“Take a while to what?”

“Turn the bad triggers into good ones,” Eddie said. He smiled a little, curling a fist into Richie’s shirt. “I already have a good memory to think about next time I’m jerking off in the shower.”

Richie laughed softly, planting a soft kiss on the tip of Eddie’s nose. “Hopefully now there’ll be more of me in the shower with you, though. You promise you’ll keep talking to me and telling me how you’re feeling?”

Eddie looked at Richie sincerely. “You know how I’m feeling. I’m in love with you. You always make me feel safe and amazing.”

“I love you, too,” Richie said simply, smiling in that way he only did for Eddie. “Just remember; you can take all the time you need. I will never do anything you’re not completely psyched about.”

“Thank you,” Eddie whispered, leaning his head to kiss Richie again.

His arms wrapped around Richie’s thin waist tightly, Richie’s warm hand pulling Eddie closer with the palm on his cheek. It was soft and sweet and grazing Eddie’s lips like honey. When they pulled away again, they were both beaming, empty of all darkness, filled with nothing but light and love.

“Hey, Richie?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too.”


End file.
